desiderium

intense longing or grief.

i miss my sister. she’s not dead, don’t worry. she just lives on the opposite side of the country and i don’t see her as much as i want to. she turned six on march 12 (happy birthday Eleanor!) but i haven’t seen her since Christmas. and although i’m going to see her soon, over spring break, i don’t think theres a moment that will go by before or after i’m with her when i don’t miss her. i only lived with her for two years, and even then it wasn’t full time. we have different moms and there was a time when neither of us lived with the parent we shared. and even though those two years will always be in my memory, i doubt they’ll be in hers. i’m just not ready to accept that i will never be as big a part of her life as i want to be. as i should be. i’m her brother, there isn’t a part of me that doesn’t wish i could come home from school every day and give her a hug. but ill never be able to do that. sometimes when i’m more upset about this than usual i try to find someone to blame. i’m mad at her mom, for moving away from me and away from my dad and not letting me have the childhood i wanted with her. but it really isn’t her fault. i don’t know what i expected her to do. shes young, she deserves her own life without having to worry about her kids brother’s feelings. so then i turn to my dad. i didn’t have enough time with Eleanor before he moved away, and she moved with him. i was in 5th grade and i wasn’t ready to say goodbye to her. or him. no face-time or card or paper heart could ever make up for what he took away from me. even though now, years later, i’m living with him again, its not the same as before. and i cant get back the years i lost. i’m probably still mad at him for that. i definitely am. but i cant blame him for me not being with my sister right now. it was just an unfortunate chain of events. things i regret.